The Scars that Haunt Us
Where to Begin?
I was born with Hirschsprung's Disease, a condition which either paralyzes or malforms the nerves in the large intestine. As a result, and after upwards of a dozen surgeries, I finally had my large intestine removed when I was seven years old and I now have a permanent ileostomy. In addition to this, I suffered from chronic asthma as a child and have an adjusted diet due to Celiac Disease.
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This project was a way to look back and try and make some kind of sense of what happened to my body, and how it impacted my mental health--and still impacts it to this day. It put a great deal of emotional trauma to the forefront of my mind, so the writing and art is raw, blunt, and to an extent, frightening for me to look at. But it was a project I needed to get off of my chest.
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This is the result.
The Drawings
A look at an evolution of how I interpreted my own identity
Self-Portrait as my Childhood Hospital Gown
Before starting this project--or, more accurately, before starting therapy--I saw my identity as nothing more than the collection of the surgeries and diagnoses I had as a child.
Jackson-Pratt, Intravenous, Nasogastric, Ileostomy
As I moved forward in college, I felt a splintering of my "sick kid" identity and my more self-actualized identity. Around this time I started to have flash-backs to my time in hospitals; a smell would remind me of saline, a beeping would be the sound of an IV or heart monitor, or even a woman saying "I'll be at the hospital soon" could bring on a flash to the pediatric hospital at UNC Chapel Hill.
Self-Portrait as an Artist
As cheesy as it may sound, my identity as an artist has been instrumental in getting my mind out of the "sick kid" identity rut that haunted me for so many years. In contrast to the dark backgrounds of the first two drawings, the gray of the paper in this one is just the way the paper is; no darkness surrounding the figure, no words of fears or anger, just a simple portrait of the self.
Book One
The Story
Book Two
Succumbing
Book Three
Reclaiming Identity